Spending Mother’s Day away from mom? Here’s how some families plan to celebrate

Paula Lofland and her two sisters always get together with their mom for Mother’s Day at their childhood home in New Cumberland.

“Mother’s Day has always been a big deal in our family,” Lofland said. “Cooking for a big family is my mom’s happy place.”

Her mother, Mary Wagner, prepares extra helpings of food, usually a delicious Italian dish, so her daughters can invite friends over who don’t have a mother to visit. She also makes sure everyone gets a container of leftovers for a bonus meal the next day.

The sisters trim flowers from their mother’s tree to bring inside and the scent of lilacs and spaghetti sauce fill the home.

But the best part of the day typically is the chaos, comraderie and conversation, Lofland said.

“My mom knows how to corral us all in for conversation,” she said. “We have one of those families where there are no taboo topics. We can have complicated conversations about politics, religion, you name it.”

But this big, happy gathering won’t be happening this year. Lofland is like many Pennsylvanians who won’t get to spend Mother’s Day with her mother because of the coronavirus restrictions.

State officials reminded residents this week to not let down their guard on Mother’s Day and instead opt for virtual visits in the red areas of the state. Some northwestern counties in the yellow stage could potentially do home visits with their mothers, said Health Secretary Rachel Levine, but not in nursing homes.

Lofland lives in Cumberland County, which remains a “red” county. She’s immunocompromised and one of her sisters works as a nurse so no one wants to take any chances of possibly spreading the dangerous virus.

“Probably the hardest part is not seeing a house full of people for Mother’s Day,” Lofland said. “As much as I love my kid, she’s not a house filled with nine people. I’ll miss that craziness."

The predicament of finding new ways to celebrate is particularly acute for families with moms in nursing homes, where residents are more isolated and restrictions are even tighter.

Mother’s Day is about honoring a single person, unlike many other holidays, said Shawna S. Brent, a psychiatrist who serves adult, child and adolescent clients in Camp Hill. Because the holiday is focused on mom, not being able to see her in the same way could make the holiday difficult, said Dr. Brent.

Because mothers of young children have taken on so many additional duties amid the pandemic, including as homeschool teachers, there is a particular poignancy of wanting to pay it forward and be with mom on this holiday, she said.

One strategy to try to overcome any disappointment is to allow yourself to be sad and recognize there will be a loss, Brent said. She also recommended trying to find unique ways to still safely connect with mom.

Many families are doing just that.

One tradition that coronavirus can’t cancel is Lofland bringing her mom a rose bush. Lofland’s daughter Sophie and the other grandkids also are considering using colored chalk to spread cheery messages and draw designs on her sidewalk and driveway.

Other families are planning surprises for mom from dropping off a special dessert or flowers on her front porch and playing classic games like Boggle and Bingo via videoconference.

Some experts have suggested activities such as offering yard and garden services, decorating mom’s front door or porch or setting up a virtual brunch date or movie night.

People can drop off ingredients at mom’s house to make a meal or drop off a prepared meal, then get together on a videoconference to share a bite, remotely. People also can pick a movie to watch on Netflix keeping mom on the phone the whole time so you can share snarky or insightful remarks about the film.

Some museums and gardens are offering virtual tours, allowing moms and their children to share that experience together by phone while remaining physically apart.

The grandkids can get in on the action by creating a virtual talent show or by singing Happy Mother’s Day or making a homemade gift.

Many nursing homes already have been arranging “window visits,” where relatives can see their loved ones through a window while talking to them on a cell phone.

Magnolias of Chambersburg, an IntegraCare assisted living community, has organized a Mother’s Day parade to give relatives the opportunity to drive by and share smiles and waves according to Shayna Varner, spokeswoman for the Pennsylvania Health Care Association.

IntegraCare communities also are building “Conversation Stations” at locations across the state for residents and families to visit their loved ones while maintaining the appropriate social distance. Local businesses donated plexiglass and other materials needed to build these safe spaces, Varner said.

Country Meadows, in Mechanicsburg, launched a number of initiatives including distribution of additional iPads to residents to assist with ongoing Skype and FaceTime calls, and a “Confection Connection” where families can choose a special dessert and a message card, at no cost, to be delivered to mom after Sunday’s main meal.

Sherry Tate’s 80-year-old mother is in a nursing home in Middletown. Tate said the home has been very responsive in recent months to helping her stay connected to her mom.

Prior to the pandemic, Tate visited the home several times a week, attended events with her mom, did her makeup and hair and brought her to Tate’s home for visits.

Now, she has to make do with phone calls, video calls and limited window visits, where she can barely see her mom through a window screen. She has to stand on a step stool to see inside her mom’s room but on Friday Tate arranged to see her from the dining room, which offered a clear view.

“She understands that there’s this virus and all the restrictions are about protecting her,” Tate said of her mother. “But she is so ready for this to be over, so she can see relatives and go to the store.”

Tate said she and her three sisters normally would try to get together with their mom for a meal on Mother’s Day. But not this year. Instead, Tate plans to do another window visit. Even with the limitations, being there, just a few feet away, and seeing each other brings Tate and her mom some comfort.

“This is hard,” Tate said. “There’s no doubt about it. But I know my mother is being well cared for.”

Shannon Andersen, of Upper Allen, usually has dinner at church with her mother-in-law and sister-in-law as part of a mother-daughter banquet on Friday night of Mother’s Day weekend. Then she takes a trip to King of Prussia or somewhere on Saturday to meet her mom for lunch.

Neither of those are options this year.

Instead, Andersen is considering a driveway visit with her mother-in-law and a video conference with her own mother, who lives two hours away.

During the video call, Shannon, her husband Greg and their three children plan to play Bingo or Boggle with her parents. Adjustments can be made to both games to play them remotely. Andersen’s mom owns a bingo ball cage and family members can print out bingo cards at each home.

For Boggle, Andersen plans to take a photos of the Boggle board, after the letters settle into their spaces, and then text pictures to the different participants, who then have a set amount of time to find the most words using adjoining letters.

“My mom can be competitive, but in a very good way,” Andersen said. “We wanted to do something a little more meaningful and special since we can’t be together in person.”

Both Shannon and Greg’s mothers remain in good spirits despite the coronavirus restrictions, she said.

“They aren’t really going anywhere anyway because of the shutdown,” she said. “The hardest thing is just avoiding being bored. It’s the same for all of us, with the same thing every day.”

Likewise, Lofland’s mother isn’t letting on that the separation on Sunday will bother her. She’s the type of mom who puts herself last, Lofland said: Everyone else gets the best seat, the biggest slice and the most beautiful flower.

Her mom knows if she talks to her daughters about how much she will miss them, it could make it harder on everyone. Instead, she embraces the silver linings this weekend.

“She been saying, ‘I’m fine. I’m going to cook my favorite meal and eat it in the living room. I don’t have to change out of my sweatpants,’” Lofland said. “’I’m fine. I can still watch my TV shows.’”

Lofland is thankful that she still has her mother in her life, especially after a scare in 2016 when her mother suffered a stroke on Mother’s Day. Her mother lived in a rehabilitation center for two months after that and worked hard to regain nearly all of her functionality to again host meals and serve as the glue that holds the family together.

“It could be way worse,” Lofland said. “As difficult as this is, I can’t visit my mom, but I’ll be able to see her in three months. I can’t hug my mom, but she’s still a physical presence in my life.”

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