Buddy the Elf Could Have Been the Greatest Relief Pitcher Ever

The first thing we see from Buddy is his ability to take a hit. A snowball clocks him directly in the face, and rather than crumpling in a heap, all we get is “Son of a nutcracker!” Humorous, timely, and shows that he’s not going to get rattled by adversity. Your first thought—as was mine—might be to get Buddy a helmet and let him play quarterback. But then (and maybe this is the elf shoes), as he and his young friend Michael attempt to flee the barrage of snowballs, it becomes clear that Buddy does not possess very much foot speed. He’s a little clumsy, and doesn’t seem to understand how to best utilize his large frame. Theoretically, those long legs would lead to long strides. Not so with Buddy, who is several paces slower than a 12-year-old wearing a heavy coat. That can work with certain quarterbacks, but given the fact that Buddy is from a faraway land and presumably unfamiliar with the ins and outs of American football, he’d need to coast on raw athleticism before truly picking up the nuances of the game. QB3 at best.

Hope isn’t lost, though. After he and Michael have sought shelter in a Central Park rock fixture, we see the wrapping paper removed from Buddy’s inner competitor. “You know what? We can take ‘em!” he assures Michael, and then it’s time for the main event. Leadership and efficiency come first—he clearly instructs Michael to start making snowballs, and then creates his own stash with staggering celerity. Once he’s ready to start dishing out pain, Buddy stuns with an accurate, repeatable throwing motion that leads to several kids getting dotted right between the eyes. (GQ does not condone throwing snowballs at random kids in the park, no matter how well it’ll play for laughs.)

And his crowning achievements come at the end of the skirmish. Buddy drops down to a lower arm angle to peg this one little ne’er do well in the dome. And as the last sucker tries to make a run for it, Buddy airs it out, delivering a perfect shot that makes you think he could really nail the corners of the strike zone. That throw ends the proceedings, making Buddy a closer of sorts.